We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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