you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever