you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.