so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
