I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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