first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
