Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
