I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
