I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
