Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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