you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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