I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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