Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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