When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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