my phone needs a breathalizer
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
