She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
