Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
