I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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