went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
