I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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