the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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