woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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