When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
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he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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