alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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