Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
