Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
