Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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