i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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