I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
