Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
