I haven't been this sober since birth.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
