Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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