I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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