fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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