Come see our sink grown plant.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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