I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
