Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
