I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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