I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i barfeds in our rink
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
