Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
