You just made me feel so damn special
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
