Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
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