i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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