would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
