i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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