Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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