It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
