We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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