Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
