Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
