I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
