Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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