Where did you get a picture of my penis
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
